awash and exhausted with big thoughts and questions

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On a whim, I’m bailing on my last post. I don’t have it in me to write a “series”, I don’t think I can do it. Do you care? I can’t make promises of what I will and won’t share in this space. I don’t know myself what will appear in my next post until it spurts out of me. The more I put pressure on myself to say a certain thing, the less I know what to say and then I just can’t say anything at all. I’m not one for planning, having themes and what not. I wish I was, and of course, I have tried. I’m just not that organised. I’m not that way inclined. My spirit is so wriggly, it simply won’t conform to a printed schedule no matter how much I would like it to.

I am known in this house for my rollercoaster ways. I think it infuriates papawho no end. When I am gliding along, blurred limbs flying this way and that, and things are organised and the bills are paid and all the beds are made and I am Getting Things Done, I know I must enjoy it because the downward spiral is not far away. Does that sound dramatic? It’s not. I just have periods of togetherness followed undoubtedly by periods of confusion and each one precedes the other and the other and the other and it all flows in a lovely predictable cycle. It’s just the way I roll.

In my moments of confusion, which are generally aligned with periods of silence on this blog, I am confronted by many questions about my life, my path, myself. What my soul purpose is and what I am meant to be doing with my time, my skills. How I am meant to find a balance between motherhood and the rest of life – whatever “the rest” outside motherhood entails. Questions about motherhood, and whether I’m getting it right. Questions about the future. Questions about who I am and what I like. Questions about what I’m good at. I want someone to answer my questions for me, to tell me what to do. I want to be shown the way. I want to have a dream and wake up knowing. (The clothes are rarely washed or folded during this period.)

Inevitably I wake up again somewhat confused and sometimes motivated and sometimes not and I fumble around a bit and wash the dishes and wipe the baby’s face and read a book with a child on my lap and start all over again.

Oh gosh, this all sounds a bit foggy and strange doesn’t it. Or maybe you can relate. Maybe you go to bed with questions in your head and wish for a dream to tell you what to do too. Do you?

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5 thoughts on “awash and exhausted with big thoughts and questions

  1. I love reading your posts, the way you express and share yourself through the written word is truly beautiful.
    Wrestling with our purpose can be so loaded. I asked this question of a ‘guide’ years ago and his response was that my purpose was to be. To be. This resonates with me still as does the reminder to simply and consiously breathe.
    I do need to remind myself sometimes xx

  2. It is hard when the kids are small and need so much of your attention not to feel like you have no other self, and to miss that. It does get better, but I think that figuring out what you want to do with life is an ongoing thing. It would be so much nicer if you could figure it out once and be done with it, but much to my dismay, it doesn’t seem to work that way. You have to continually work on it, and that can be exhausting.

    I feel that wasn’t helpful, but maybe it is if only to say you sound totally normal to me. I am not always a good barometer to go by, though. Just do the best you can, try to do things that are important to you, and forgive yourself if you don’t get it right all the time. You are only human…

    • Thanks Susan, that is certainly helpful! I think to accept that all the answers are never really going to be there, and to just enjoy each moment for what it is, is important. I also had a horrible realisation that I have probably buggered up your linked post by deleting my other one, so will reinstate it now! Sorry! I am having quite the vague week!!! Thanks for commenting 🙂

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