a baby’s prerogative

IMG_3120

Many of you have been around to hear about my breastfeeding journey with the Pixie, about how things didn’t go to plan and everything went awry and I was very sad.

Three months later not a feed goes by without me wishing I was nuzzling her into my breast, not the silicone teat of a bottle. As I watch powdered formula slowly dissolve in cooled boiled water, I feel cheated. When I see the ominous can sitting on my kitchen bench, I glare at it angrily.

There are times too that I am so thankful for it, so thankful things have worked out, so thankful to have a healthy and thriving baby despite earlier challenges, so thankful to have a backup. But nothing can heal or replace the upset I feel at our breastfeeding journey being cut short.

I watched this video yesterday, have you seen it? It’s fantastic, a poem by Hollie McNish about her experience of people judging her for breastfeeding in public. No mother should ever feel too embarrassed to feed her baby in public.

As I watched the video, I longed for her problems. I wished it was me deciding what to wear in the morning so that I could easily access my breast. I wished it was me swearing about ugly breastfeeding bras as I clip myself up in the morning. I wished it was me contemplating the weather and feeling the icy air on my stomach as I lift my shirt at the coffee shop for my baby. I wished it was me having people glare at me for flashing a small piece of flesh while they sipped lattes or walked their dogs.

Instead, I feel embarrassed about placing my bottle of cooled boiled water on the table. I feel eyes on me as I scoop powder and swirl it around in the water while I chat to a friend. I anticipate their thoughts, wondering if I am lazy, if I couldn’t be bothered, if breastfeeding wasn’t for me or if I didn’t think it mattered. If they think I didn’t put the effort in to breastfeed, if they think that I’m not educated, that I don’t know that breast is best, that I don’t care. I wonder if they wonder these things, I wonder if they judge me. I feel judged, maybe because once upon a time I was the person at the other table, breastfeeding my baby and making what I thought were innocent assumptions about the women who didn’t.

Last night I was rifling around in my bedside table drawer looking for a pen. I found a few bits of paper torn from a notebook, dated 10 September 2010 when Birdie was five months old. On the paper were scribbled words in blue texta. I thought I would share them with you today, for although things have been different with the Pixie, my thoughts about breastfeeding haven’t changed. I would do anything to be able to feed her again. I tried a few weeks ago, after I got out of the shower. I thrust a breast at her, knowing full well I have no milk, knowing it was weird. She just looked at me with the expression what the hell are you doing? And I asked myself the same question and went to get dressed.

Here are the notes I found last night:

A single tear drifts across the bridge of your nose as you suck.

A gentle dance along your smooth skin.

You’re lying sideways, longways. Horizontal. A perfect palm lays across my breast. 

Skin to skin.

Warm.

I can feel the outline of your tiny hand on my skin.

Gentle pressure.

Slight, unconscious movements.

Your perfect face is barely moving but for shallow breaths.

Inside your mouth your tongue pulls at my nipple, bringing forth abundance.

Your eyes are closed but just moments ago they curled and rolled with the most basic of pleasures. 

The very heart of humanity and beauty and life itself is caught in this single moment.

This one single moment of truth, of real, of substance. 

Nothing else matters.

Advertisements

10 thoughts on “a baby’s prerogative

  1. I understand that you still ache for breastfeeding. It is a beautiful thing… and so I feel for you.
    I think that as we get older we realise there is so much that we can’t control…no matter how hard we want it or try…and although there is much hurt and disappointment as a result…there is also compassion. And it softens us. Stops our critical eyes…so that we are more tenderhearted towards others when they too feel as if they have fallen short. Be gentle with yourself. You know what’s best for your children…like you say, nothing else matters 🙂

    xx Nicole

  2. I fully get how you feel. Breastfeeding should be the easiest and most natural thing and I struggle every single day with it like you did. Over half her feeds are now expressed and we have formula on standby just in case. So frustrating but after lots of stress I’ve had to remind myself that a healthy wellfed baby is my goal, not necessarily a starving breastfed one just for the sake of it. Just hug that little one tight xx

  3. Beautifully written. ❤ You are doing the absolute best you can for your precious Pixie. You didn't give up, you used the tools you had to give your baby what she needs. Keep your head up, be proud, you are an amazing mama and those girls are so very lucky to have you!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s