it will pass, nothing is permanent: the things I am learning

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I was staring out my window yesterday, as I was pacing up and down the lounge room with the pixie in my arms. I was looking out at a gumtree in the neighbouring yard, its trunk blackened as though charred. I’m not sure what sort of gums these are, but there are a few here amongst the polished lengths of ghosts and twisted skinny silver princesses.

At times like these my mind often swims and wallows and drowns in all the Things I Could Be Doing Right Now. Sometimes I become overwhelmed with all the Things I Could Be Doing Right Now and my heart is all aflutter, anxious for the big eyed babe in my arms to go to sleep. Generally this is not a good recipe for sleep, as my step becomes a bit jittery and sometimes I even get impatient and start moving things here and there with my free hand: a laundry basket, a deserted toy.

I have nearly finished reading Buddhism for Mothers. From cover to cover this time, like I promised myself. When Birdie was a baby I just read snippets here and there, and now that I’m near the end I truly cannot believe I didn’t devour it in one sitting while I was hanging about with just one little baby and not much else to do (I mean, really, I now understand that I was NOT as busy as I really believed I was… and yes, I realise all the parents with three or more children are laughing at me right now…)

One thing I am slowly learning, and constantly reminding myself with the help of this marvellous book is: it will pass, nothing is permanent. I won’t remember this specific moment, this step I am taking, this wriggle I am trying to calm in my small one. I won’t remember much of the frustration I feel, continually looking forward or backward in these times when I have nothing else to do except think. Pace and think, think and pace. I won’t remember what day it was that she didn’t sleep a wink, or what it was I missed out on doing. But if I keep on butting heads with all the Things I Could Be Doing Right Now IΒ willΒ remember all the time I wasted, all the minutes and hours gone, all the time I missed that I could have spent being present with my baby.

So yesterday, I paced. Up and down and up and down. I tried not to bother with the Things I Could Be Doing Right Now, I pushed those things away. Instead, I felt my baby heavy in my arms, I looked into her eyes, I ran a finger along her soft foot. I touched her hair. I looked out my window at the charred gum and pondered on the green and the blue out there. I reminded myself: this will pass.

And with that, nothing looked as bleak, and I was able to be there, right there, and spend that moment with my baby.

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4 thoughts on “it will pass, nothing is permanent: the things I am learning

  1. What a sweet and inspiring post. When I think back to before I had my daughter, I think of the endless amounts of time that I had, and with no idea how much. Once I have a second baby, I’m sure that I’ll also think back to having only one, as if I had so much time, even thought I feel that I don’t.

  2. It’s so true! It’s a complex balance enjoying in each stage of life the best of what will pass, while knowing the worst of that stage will pass too. Our babies will one day refuse to let us hold them for hours, they will stop taking comfort from our breast, they won’t need our constant guidance. A very wise woman in my life told me this before Liz was born: “There is good and bad in every stage. Enjoy the good because it will soon pass. Don’t mind the bad, it will soon pass.” She also told me not to let my baby sleep in a silent, dark room. Clever.

  3. I love this. I was actually looking through google on~ time lost with baby, child loss and infertility….. Enjoy, cherish, and hold tightly to all the things you get to share with your little pixie πŸ™‚

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