a little hazy

I have so much to say about things of late. The birth, the baby, the toddler, parenting, life. Sometimes over the course of the day I mull over stories and words and sentences. I place them carefully beside each other, shifting them this way and that in my mind. Then in the tiny windows of time I have to sit down in front of this screen, nothing comes. The carefully placed words that have built up during the course of the day fall in a neat little puddle of letters at my feet. The line between the things I feel and the things I feel I’d like to share becomes thin and I become unsure. Then I open a new tab and read some other blogs, type ‘witchery’ into the ebay search box and google things like ‘red mark on newborn tummy’ or ‘using a dummy’. Then I get really sleepy and decide to call it a day.

Things have changed here, and change is something I’m just not crash hot at. The first few weeks with a new baby were tough, I ain’t gonna lie. I think the predicament of having to share myself between two little bodies all of a sudden came as such a shock that it knocked me around a little. I was pleased to talk to some of my close friends who have also just had their seconds in the last six weeks, and it seems we are all in the same boat. Apparently the maternal child health nurse said to one of my friends at her six week checkup: “There’s a reason we don’t ask you how you’re feeling emotionally at the two week appointment!” Suddenly I felt better, you know, to know you’re not the only one.

Someone said or I read somewhere lately that when you are up in the dead of night, holding a warm little beauty close to your breast and feeling a little alone in your space, to sit there quietly and think about all the other women all over the world who are also sitting quietly feeding their babies. I find that comforting.

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4 thoughts on “a little hazy

  1. Beautifully expressed, Lucy. I felt exactly that when awake during the wee hours, breastfeeding…strong sense of connection with all the others outntherebdoing exactly what I was doing at the same time eased the feeling of isolation.

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