Back to Work?

Nearing the eve of my first day back into ‘paid’ employment my breath is tight, my stomach a-flutter and my head spinning. Unfortunately I need to head back a touch earlier than planned.

My job over the past 10 months has been Motherhood. It was a new job not long ago. Now I am feeling comfortable in the role, so much in fact that I would like to continue in this job for years to come. Lucky, right?

But aren’t you bored?

No. Actually, quite the contrary.

I am inspired each and every day to learn and explore and become better. I have never felt so motivated to be my best. I have never felt that I have excelled at something to the extent I am excelling at this. I love it.

What about all that Baby Talk? Goo-goo, gah-gah, blardy blah-blah.

Baby Talk? That is my darling, forming vowels and words and communicating. Making eye contact and watching and copying. Isn’t she clever and wonderful?

Oh, still… I bet you can’t wait to get back to work. Get out and about, have a break.

I am feeling such a grave resentment towards the need for me to be in paid work. I should feel blessed to have had this time at home. I will be going back two days per week, yet Baby is barely 9 1/2 months old. This was not in our ‘plan’.

I am trying to remind myself of all the positive things – the biggest being Baby will spend time and develop bonds with other women in my dear family while I am at work, which I am incredibly grateful for. Another is that we will keep our heads above water financially. But I can’t help thinking of my Mum, who stayed at home until I was seven, with a hint of jealousy in my heart.

Gosh, I just couldn’t stand it. Hanging around the house all day with the baby.

Well, lucky for you, you can go to work and make it your passion and have a great time. But why is it assumed that I want it all? Motherhood, career, space, independence, money. Why can’t I choose to stay home with my baby, and know that it is a valid choice, a worthy choice. I’m not lazy. I do have aspirations. If they aren’t climbing a corporate ladder, does that make me boring or uneducated or silly?

Is is so strange that I could possibly find enough satisfaction in motherhood to fulfil me?

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5 thoughts on “Back to Work?

  1. Of course we should be supportive of each other’s choices. That was feminism’s gift. It is neo-liberalism that demands women work for money and not for love. Sweden pays parents to stay at home if that is their preference. Having it all? I think having it all is having what works for you, and also being able to eat and have shelter. We need to support each other in our respective choices in order to make them possible for all of us. xo

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